I grew more and more interested in recovery and healing, which led me to movement practice as a form of release.
Memory is a sensory experience – sight, sound, smell, touch. Heather Agyepong presents ‘The Body Remembers,’ a beautiful exploration of trauma and healing through movement performance, sound and visuals.
Fuel's The Body Remembers by Heather Agyepong. Photographed at Tramway Dance International Glasgow 21 (c) Brian Hartley
“After a while, I realised the only way to get through trauma is to process it.
I grew more and more interested in recovery and healing, which led me to movement practice as a form of release. ”
I am running late. I am running, while sitting still, willing this bus to move faster. South Western trains have shegged me yet again but I can’t pin this all on them – the heaviness I awoke within my bones today had its own plan. Slicking my hair in front of the bathroom mirror an hour earlier I said to my reflection: I’m in my own way today. I can feel it.
Self-sabotage is one of the ways Complex PTSD rears its head in my life – post-traumatic stress disorder can have huge implications on an individual’s self-esteem and sense of deserving while seeping into seemingly unrelated areas of life. Prolonged periods of being on high alert can be followed by lethargy and detachment that results in missing Important stuff. On the surface level, I’m cheating myself out of something I need, on a deeper level part of me doesn’t feel fully worthy of having it. It’s deep fam, it’s deep. In these moments I try to nudge myself forward while also wishing to pause time, and no amount of stress or discomfort makes that possible.
It is 13.30 and I have missed most of Lesley Asare’s movement workshop. Barging in late is not an option. I would not mess up the moment for everyone else who made it there on time, those travelling from a less annoying part of South London that has not becomed landlocked on a weekend due to engineering works, those who might not have to battle with thier minds to get to the things they want to do consistently – those who may well fight those battles but are more adept at winning than I am. It is still practice for me. I am getting better.
Lesley Asare’s session was part of the public programme for Heather Agyepong newly devised performance; The Body Remembers currently touring across the UK. And I make it to the actual performance on time. In fact, I get there early.
Fuel's The Body Remembers by Heather Agyepong. Photographed at Tramway Dance International Glasgow 21 (c) Brian Hartley
“Heather is processing trauma live, speaking to and through six areas of the body to excavate any hidden heaviness or residual traumatic tension. Punctuated by mood lighting to represent various mental states, close up photography projections, video and sound, the show is loosely inspired by the therapeutic practice of Authentic Movement created by dance therapist Mary Starks Whitehouse in the 1950s”
The air is both vacant and loaded in this upper space at the Battersea Arts Centre, making room for what is to come next. Palo Santo wafts through the air as Heather lays out candles, books, an old TV set, a bunch of flowers. The audience is invited to sit on chairs, relax on cushions or stand at the back during this relaxed performance, a culmination of years’ worth of reflection, research and experimentation.
“I started working on this piece three years ago. Two main things influenced me. Firstly, there were a lot of news pieces out at the time about black people being over-represented in mental health institutions. The statistics were saying that black people are 4 times more likely to be diagnosed with serious mental health conditions, but no interventions happened as a result. No drive for targeting black and marginalized communities was rolled out through the government. Nothing. I felt like it was crazy that nothing was being done. And the stories spoke mostly about black men. I wanted to extend the conversation by centring on black women in my own research.
‘The second reason was personal; I remember this widespread attitude that Black people needed to stop talking about trauma – it could have come about as a response to a TV show or something in the media – whatever it was, the narrative ‘we as black people don’t want to talk about trauma anymore’ became very loud. This gave me a sense of shame – I had been through something traumatic, so did this mean I had to start hiding it? As a result, I developed an obsession with black joy that almost became toxic positivity – I wasn’t ok, but it seemed I was only acceptable if I presented that way, like burying my trauma was expected of me.
‘After a while, I realised the only way to get through trauma is to process it. I grew more and more interested in recovery and healing, which led me to movement practice as a form of release. I did so much research – reading, interviewing therapists – and at first, I thought I’d be writing a play with lots of other characters in it. Over time I stripped it back and decided the process of recovery is the piece itself.’
Fuel's The Body Remembers by Heather Agyepong.Photographed at TramwayDance International Glasgow 21 (c) Brian Hartley
“When I stopped burying and began processing I soon discovered that there is joy in healing and recovery – those two things aren’t opposites. Joy and trauma are linked – processing trauma leads to the joy. I’m learning not to be ashamed of my experiences and finding strength and joy in the journey.”
The Body Remembers is exactly that; Heather is processing trauma live, speaking to and through six areas of the body to excavate any hidden heaviness or residual traumatic tension. Punctuated by mood lighting to represent various mental states, close up photography projections, video and sound, the show is loosely inspired by the therapeutic practice of Authentic Movement created by dance therapist Mary Starks Whitehouse in the 1950s – a framework divided between two roles; the mover and the witness. ‘I am the mover in this show, and the witness, who is often a clinician or practitioner, in this case, is the audience. The witness watches what the mover is doing while interrogating their own experience of watching. It’s like a conversation back and forth.
‘Free-writing is an important part of the therapeutic process every time I’ve done authentic movement with my own practitioner therefore, I have included notepaper and pencils for the audience to write down anything they notice happening within themselves while watching. Your body might respond by aching, random thoughts can come up or subconscious chatter might reveal some reflections and insights. I think the piece would have been quite stressful if the audience didn’t have the option to explore their responses in real-time.’
Fuel's The Body Remembers By Heather Agyepong (c) Myah Jeffers
Throughout each performance Heather listens to a recording of the show’s co-creator Imogen Knight through an earpiece, directing the exploration of each body part. ‘It’s this idea of moving through impulse, just letting my body speak. As I move through the sequence I investigate my head, throat, heart, stomach, womb and hands. Imogen’s voice asks ‘what’s happening in your head?’ for example, and I display whatever is happening for me at that moment. Then she will say ‘Now release this movement. Let your head release’ and my body chooses its method of doing that. Like an entry and exit of each body part: tense, release, tense, release. It’s a spontaneous performance and I give my body full permission to do what it needs to do. Every performance is completely unique, super vulnerable and real.’
A big part of the authentic movement is establishing the safety of the space before you begin sharing. Before each performance, Heather stretches for 20 mins, does 10 minutes of meditation, says a prayer, take a walk around the space and declares that it’s hers, that she is safe there. The objects laid out beforehand are grounding objects belonging to the women she has interviewed about their trauma recovery experiences, soundbites of which are layered into the performance. Heather’s callout for participants in January 2020 just before the pandemic led to half an hour interviews with 20 women; under the guidance of psychotherapist Dawn Estefan, all of the applicants were screened to ensure they were stable enough to take part without being triggered or re-traumatized. A surprising common thread arose in each of these women’s stories.
‘No one knew they had been through something traumatic until their body started giving them signals as reminders – pain, palpitations, panic attacks – then through therapy they were able to link it back to an event. We often think trauma must be major to matter; the impact of things like emotional neglect, being ignored when you’re growing up or being gaslighted by your family is underestimated. There’s this culture of survival in our communities that can gloss over pain. I found that kind of upsetting, that we don’t acknowledge personal suffering for what it is. When I stopped burying and began processing I soon discovered that there is joy in healing and recovery – those two things aren’t opposites. Joy and trauma are linked – processing trauma leads to the joy. I’m learning not to be ashamed of my experiences and finding strength and joy in the journey.
‘For a period of time, I limited who I was, based on other people’s perceptions of me. And now I’m trying to reclaim my own gaze – every piece of work I make contributes to this by improving my own mental health, and that spills out to everyone watching. The work has to serve me. It has to be cathartic. I want to expand who I am and deepen my understanding of myself by honouring my painful experiences and the self-discovery they point to.’
The Body Remembers is at Battersea Arts Centre Until 4th November.
30th October at BAC: Lesley Asare leads a Movement and Mindfulness session for black women, 1 pm-2 pm (I won’t miss this one, so see you there)
29th October via Zoom: Dawn Estefan facilitates a Theatre Club at 9 pm for black women. Open forum to discuss the experience of witnessing the show and its related themes.
The show will also be touring across the UK and more information can be found here.
Created and performed by Heather Agyepong
Dramaturg and Co-Creator Gail Babb
Movement Director and Co-Creator Imogen Knight
Video Designer Gillian Tan
Sound Designer Donato Wharton
Associate Sound Designer Raffaela Pancucci
Stage Managers Tanya Stephenson and Stella Kailides
Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist Dawn Estefan
